changing...

Around the middle of my senior year of high school, I discovered that I had hypoglycemia. For a while, I thought that it'd simply be a part of me, that I'd just take pills to manage it for the vast majority of my life.

Until I moved to Bellingham and found a new doctor. I've been seeing her since early this year, and I've finally summoned up the courage to venture out and slowly stop taking medication. Of all the medications I'm on, this was certainly not the one I would have expected to go first.

I'm finally starting to make some good changes and connections in my life right now. I'm figuring out what foods are best for me to eat, and what needs to go (i.e. sugar...which is a bummer. big time). But I've also figured out that throughout all this change, I've actually found some stability. Which is something that I've craved for so long. It hadn't occurred to me until just now, but I'm finding that yes, indeed, I do have some stability in my life.

I'm halfway through this quarter, and I'm feeling like I'm just starting to get the hang of things. (There is a huge voice inside me screaming "SERIOUSLY?!" Like, I should have already figured it out. Months or years ago.) Through my exhaustion, I'm finding clarity, and frankly, I like it. I think over-stimulation has played too central a role in my life recently. Bellingham is feeling more like my "home for now" place. I know I won't be here forever, but for now it's nice knowing that I can call it "home."

Emotional

I'm currently sitting on the floor of my new bedroom in my new apartment, and all I feel is overwhelmed. There are papers and pictures and memories invading my space. I'd like them to go away...but I'm the ONLY one who can make that happen. My already exhausted body and mind feels so heavy just looking around. To my left, there's a picture of my dad and I at a sock hop from back when I was probably 8. There are these things that are representations of my life. These things represent many memories that I've pushed aside. I back burner them and move on with my life. I haven't really written a journal entry or read for deep reflection because frankly, I don't want to explore my head right now. It's been a long few months. Maybe even years.

I have a lot of questions. And I'm not sure where to start. I know that I have value as a person. The reality is that I just don't want to have to really live the hard things I've seen lately. It's hard to describe the impact working daily with the same young children that come from seriously fucked up families has on one. Most days I feel like I'm parenting these kids, not just hanging out with them while their parents do whatever. I know that I have to work on distancing myself from some of these situations. I have to set boundaries. But I also have to care, too. Because that's just who I am. I care. I care what happens to these kids when they go home. I care about what they see. And I want to make a difference.

I've started a new chapter in my life. I've waited for this start for so long. I'm still feeling really emotional about the fact that it's finally come to fruition. I feel humbled that I've been able to accomplish. But, to some degree, I feel pressure about how much more I should accomplish. Part of my head is going "now that you've accomplished this, what are you going to do now??" And I want to tell it to shut up, but I'm not going to. Yes, I want a moment to breathe. I want it more than most anything else right now. But really more than that I want to be a person who reaches a pinnacle and keeps climbing. I don't want to just stop. I don't think that I really even could. I don't know what the final landing would be, but all I know is that I want to keep going until I can't. I know that I need to take care of myself, but I want to be someone who just keeps going. I want to be someone that doesn't settle. I want to finish a project and say "okay, what's next?" I want people to know they can depend on me. I want to know that I can depend on myself.

And I want to be better to the people in my life. I want them to feel valued, even though sometimes I don't treat them as such.

Choosing Healthy Habits

For one of the classes I'm taking this summer, I have to read copious amounts of articles about teaching. The most recent article I read from focused on never ceasing to learn, about the difference between deciding to be like others and choosing to think for oneself.

I like the below exert because it puts to words some of the thoughts I've had about wanting different things for my life. I want to be a person who values people, but I also want to be a person who chooses to better herself. If someone is going to influence me in a negative way, I want to be able to choose to avoid these people. And I want to be free to do so. I feel that all of these things listed below are important aspects for all of us to remember and adopt for ourselves.

Here are some habits you can choose to develop, by Harry and Rosemary Wong

1. Choose to invest in yourself so that you can increase your value to others.
   
2. Choose to learn and grow as a professional.
   
3. Choose to avoid thoughts and people who will limit you.
   
4. Choose to stop surviving and existing and start taking small risks to create incremental growth.
   
5. Choose to identify what you want to do with your life and choose to DO IT.

Countdown to Summer...

Last day of class...11 days
Last day for Bellingham School District...18 days
First day of Summer Camp...22 days

I'm in for the homestretch now. Thank God...it's been a long quarter. I can't wait for workdays that are straight 8 hour days. The split shifts are killing me.

Weird things are afoot. I don't fully understand what's going on, but I feel like God might be up to something. I just wish it were a little more clear.

I finally registered for Fall classes, and I'm really looking forward to being a full-time student. I just hope it all works out for Fall...

Clarity Comes In Fast-Moving, Determined Waves

I haven't posted for awhile...often when I'm feeling bogged down by stress, etc. writing isn't where I can spend my energy.

For several weeks now, I've been struggling with how I can accomplish what I want to accomplish with my career... I've thought through different scenarios, and I've stressed so much about it. I thought I had it all figured out, but that moment of clarity just hit me...

I now know that, for this moment in time, I want to be a family counselor for families suffering from Autism. That feels so right to me now. Much like I knew I wanted to work with Autism, I know that I want to do family counseling. It's taking so much stress away from me. I don't know how I'll get to that point, but I do know that in WA you can become a counselor with a B.A. in psychology. And after some time in the field, I'll go back and get my Masters in Counseling Psychology. To many of you who know my oldest sister, you'd think I'm following in her footsteps, for she got her Master's in C.P. And I think I'm okay with that. She still did it first, but her career looks a hell of a lot different than mine will, and that is pretty awesome too.

It's gonna be a great day.

Gah!

Argh!

Work this morning was CRAZY! It's hard being there only the short amount of time that I am. I enjoy the work and am grateful for the extra hours, but is a little communication too much to ask for???

I get frustrated when I'm there, and then virtually ignored by the classroom's teacher. Yes, you are the teacher, but seriously if you want this classroom to function well, you need to communicate with me!! How am I to know that you told someone they could be the line leader? Because believe it or not, it's a big freaking deal in preschool. I also get that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, but to a certain degree you have some control over it. They take control of the class because YOU let them! Sometimes this whole let's talk it out until we're both blue in the face about why you telling other kids to make bad choices is not effective. For crying out loud, children need boundaries!!!!

Not to mention one of my kids threw a fit and hit me twice today, and also called me a jerk about 3 times. It's put me in a foul mood. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. I'm willing to help, but what it really comes down to is that people have to be accepting of that help. So until then, I'm gonna do my part, my responsibilities, show up on time, and leave when I'm scheduled to. I'm willing to go above and beyond but not when it's this difficult for me.

Rain, Rain, Rain

Well, it's raining again...hasn't done that in like a week! Oh man!

It was a LONG week, but a good one all in all. My desire for writing is coming back. It's been gone for too long....

I'm getting closer to my work friends. I enjoy them. A lot. It's funny what a difference having people who care and understand where you're at makes. I'm glad for it.

I have a few things left to do for my Soc class, and then I'll be done! And have a two week break from classes :)

I guess since I'm here as the Pi Party is starting I should go join friends for a bit.

But Dash has discovered my new favorite artist...City and Colour. It's amazing. And it's tulip season again. What more could you ask for?

LIFE IS GOOD. And in this moment right now, I'm happy and grateful to be here. I've gotta hold onto these moments when they come and hope they stay for a while.

Good day to you all.

Feels good...

For the first time in a long time, I actually felt good enough to go for a run. It was shorter, but I didn't want to take advantage of the feeling and over do it. It felt really good to get out for a while. My body is doing really well right now, and the knee is holding up. I'll put some ice on it a bit just to be on the safe side.

I just got off the phone with my brother. I haven't really talked with him in a while. I've missed him a lot lately and enjoy talking with him when I'm able to. One of the nice things about birthdays is that people make a point to call or email or somehow find a way to talk with you. I like that people take the time for that. It's a nice present. I like getting things, too, but life has been so busy lately and since I don't get to see or talk with my family often, it's perfect just to hear from them. For them to call when normally those things don't happen.

The vase is still sitting on my desk awaiting superglue, alas. It may be there for a while yet.

Broken glass

Yesterday, I broke a vase in the kitchen. I wasn't very happy about it. Although, I must admit that I was mad at the time that I broke the vase. It wasn't on purpose, but it was sitting on the windowsill, and I was changing the towel underneath the dish rack that caught on the blinds, which knocked the vase over.

It's sitting on my desk waiting for some superglue, so Dash can try to fix it. It won't be perfect, but I'd still like it to be usable. I bought the vase last year when I was feeling a bit lonely. I went down to Fairhaven and found this beautiful vase at a local flower and garden accessory place. It's green with a yellow rim. It's tiny, but it's held many flowers for me. I bought it in an effort to brighten up my dorm room. Most of the flowers it's held have been ones that I've purchased for myself. It's been this homage of sorts to my many adventures in Bellingham. I guess I could replace it or simply use the pieces as an art project, but I'd rather not just yet.

On a happy note, today was a great day at my afternoon site. Dash came to pick me up while we were still playing on the playground. Two of my kids stood at the fence and wanted me to stay. One of my boys ran along the fence as we drove away. It was the cutest thing ever. It's nice to be making new memories here. I'm feeling more and more grounded in the community around the school I work at. I'm getting to know the people who work there and the families that are involved in the school. It's a huge aspect of my being settled here. I'm looking forward to being there for many years, and I hope that it'll be that way. I think it will, but I'm not 100% sure.

In just a few days, I turn 20. It's not very exciting, I don't feel like. I mean it's a birthday, so that's nice, but on another level it's just another year. It'll be low-key this year, which is nice considering that next year won't really be low-key at all.

I started filling out my returning student application for Western today. It's due soon, and I'm getting more and more hopeful that things really will work out for me.

Sick Days...

Well, I'm sad to say that I finally got sick this past week. It was just a cold. Thank God it wasn't the stomach flu!! I re-stocked my mini pharmacy last night at Rite Aid. The new Thera-flu is really interesting and different; I like it though. I've been able to take it easy this weekend, so hopefully I'll be good to go for the week ahead and won't have to take any sick days!

Dash and I are watching the Oscars. It's somewhat anti-climactic since we haven't seen too many movies this year. Sarah Jessica Parker's dress was amazing! I want it!

My internet has been down for most of this weekend. It was so weird not being connected with the "world" through my computer. I'm off to eat ice cream and enjoy a lazy evening before a crazy week at work.

Silence

I'm coming to really treasure silence. Right now I'm sitting in my empty apartment listening to the hum of my computer, the clicking of the keys, and the cars passing by on the street. I've opted not to listen to music or turn the tv on for the moment.

I've had a week of loud noises, screaming children, and too much stimulation. I love what I get to do, but sometimes it's simply TOO much. I worry for the health of my kids at work. Do they know what true silence is? Have they come to fear it, like we often all do? Sometimes I'm not sure how much I'm doing for my preschoolers. With my older kids, I'm sure of what I'm doing with them. But with the preschoolers it's harder. I feel like their parents don't play an active role in their lives. I know they do to a point, but on another hand they don't. These children lack boundaries and discipline. I feel like their development is stunted by being confined to an inadequate space. I know not all parents are hands-off with their kids, but I struggle with the culture these kids are being brought up in. I open for the preschool in the mornings and will often try to engage in conversations with parents--my older kids parents love just chatting when they come to pick up their kids, but perhaps the difference is that it's at the end of the day. There is one mom that drives me crazy. I feel like she only wants to talk about her son. When I compliment her outfit or ask her how she is, she rarely looks at me and will just answer the question, but turn the topic right back to her son.

I'm taking a mini-vacation this week and going to visit the folks in Reno. I'm looking forward to taking some time off. It'll be so nice to be "home" for a little while. I need the time away. My world is consumed by thoughts. Dash told me this week that we need to find a way to idle my brain some. It wears me out.

There's much to do today, but I'd rather just sit and do nothing. I know, though, that if I can get a good portion of things done now, it'll make the week ahead just a little less stressful and daunting. Oh well, off I go.

Wintertime Picnic

Today I had a surprise waiting for me at the end of my work day. Dash came to pick me up from work and got Thai takeout for us to eat. He called it a "picnic in the car." It was amazing!! He got me Panang Curry and Beef Pad Thai for himself. What a lovely way to end the day!

It's been sunny here lately, although it's been REALLY cold!! Even though I haven't lived in Arizona for some time now, my mind still thinks that sun equals warmth. The kids at work are enjoying getting outside. It's SO good for them. And really makes our day much better.

Things are finally getting straightened out for 2009. It's taken awhile, and it's been quite stressful. But I'm glad that some relief is here.

I miss being a full time student. I know that by this time next year I'll have said many times that I miss only being in school for 5 credit hours. I got nostalgic for it this week for the first time in a long time. I'm glad that I can do what I'm doing, but it's hard. I think it's wearing on me more than I thought it was. Or expected it to. But all in all, I'm okay. I'll be grateful at the end of this. What's funny though is that I look forward to the day when I have kids and can share this experience with them and then tell them that the world is theirs...they can have whatever they want and they will do it better than I ever could.

It's interesting to realize that while much of our lives are taken up by "education" and schooling that it isn't the ONLY aspect of our lives. I think we forget that sometimes. We can plan all we want but actually coming out on the other side of school is something else entirely.

I hope that this week will bring more stability and routine-- both at home for me and at work. I've picked up some more hours, which is a blessing. I'm now able to spend time with the preschoolers and the school-aged kids. It's nice to have the different variety in my world.

With all the crazy weather we've been having, school's have been canceled quite a bit. One mom said yesterday that it was like the kids came back from 2 different breaks. Our routine in the afternoons have been thrown off some, and no matter what people or kids will tell you, they need stability and routine. It's important for all of us.

I have 2 staff meetings to attend this week. I'm feeling a little afraid of the school-aged one. We're talking about "Reviving Ophelia." I know it will be good, but I just am anticipating that it will be sad. But I also know that it will be good. And I am sure helpful in dealing with and continuing to work with kids.

I'm also finishing up my first week of online classes. I think I'm going to really enjoy it. I like being able to do class on my time. It's nice not to have an hour and a half commute to/from school. I'm finding so many ways of taking back time for me in a good way. It's making me feel accomplished and much more at peace with my life right now.

Sometimes I really don't understand people. Each person is entitled to their own opinions and feelings.

The more I live in the Pacific Northwest, the more I realize that the culture here is very focused on the "me" and primarily the "me" only. It frustrates me. I was raised in a culture and a family that values people. And I'm living in a place where the majority of my things are used by everybody. I enjoy sharing with people, but I feel much less inclined to do so when people are unappreciative or won't share their own things with others. I understand but only so much. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and say, "Stop bitching! You didn't have to acquire all of this stuff. Suck it up and stop being a selfish fool."

But then I think, well maybe some days people feel like that towards me. Who knows?

I don't dislike where I live; some days I just really hate the things this culture values.