more thankful thoughts

I realized that I got sidetracked...let's face it, I knew it going into it...but a few things have kept coming back to me when I think about the things I'm thankful for...

-Dash...everyday I am thankful for him. He takes care of me when I'm sick, and will always make me his number one priority...even if it's inconvenient for him. I am lucky to have him.

-Coffee...I really missed coffee last week when I got sick. Before today, I hadn't had any coffee for 5 days...that's monumental. Coffee is one of those things that makes me feel like home is wherever I happen to be having a good cup of coffee. Perhaps I've coined a new slogan? 

-My family...even when it's hard. And trust me, there have been some really, really HARD moments recently. I'm still thankful for them. They make my life work, but they also drive me crazy. But I'm lucky to have a family that I can fight with and know they will still love me. 

-Frasier...and other silly t.v. shows. Dash and I have been on a Frasier kick lately. Thank you netflix for coming through with all the seasons! We're almost through the series, and they have been lovely to have on sick days. 

-My job...some moments are crazy, but it's still so much fun. And so good for me right now! 

-New beginnings...things are about to change for me. I'm looking forward to a new beginning, to a new chapter. It's about time. I'm excited to have time to read for fun and spend more time with friends. 

-My car...I am so lucky to have a good, reliable car. It's not the prettiest thing out there, but it runs...and it runs well! 

-My kindle...I love having so many things to read at my fingertips! For a true book lover, this is such a treat! 

-A place to call home...for so many years, I've felt like I was just in transition. Bellingham was never really home. It was just the place I was for a few years. But Seattle is so much different for me. I am home. This place fits me. Why? I'm not sure I'll ever know, but I do know that it fits. And when I look around me, I feel at home. I've missed that feeling. I'm still convinced that "home" is so many different things. But the feeling of being "home" on a daily basis is pretty amazing. 

papers

dear schoolwork...i was wondering if maybe, just maybe, you could somehow let the last assignments slide? i mean, come one, surely these last two papers and this last book could write and read themselves? i just think it'd be great if they could just be done. no?? damn. but boy am i glad i got more coffee...

13, 14

Day 13 (Sunday)
I am thankful for the kitchen. I greatly appreciate being able to cook, and that I enjoy it. It's so nice to relax in the kitchen, even though it can be exhausting. It's also nice to know that I can make good, healthier food for Dash to have at hand during the week.

Day 14 (Monday)
Today I am thankful for silly moments. Spending time with the boys I nanny for and laughing with them just makes my heart soar. It's just so great to have silly moments and laugh.

10, 11, 12

Day 10 (Thursday)
I am thankful to have a job. Thankful to be making a good income for me at this point in my life. Thankful that I have the means. I hope to be able give back more in the future.

Day 11 (Friday)
I am thankful for an actual date night out with Dash and for going to see a movie in Theatres that didn't actually suck.

Day 12 (Saturday)
I am thankful for seeing old friends. It's nice to be able to stay in touch with the people who've been a part of my life.

Day 9

Today I am thankful for the little things. Good pizza. My warm bed. New movies.

Giving Thanks....

As per usual, I'm behind on blogging... maybe this was a bit too ambitious for me right now. But oh well. I'll still try and keep it up.

Day 3 (Thursday)
I am thankful for technology..for being able to be connected with those far from me

Day 4 (Friday)
I am thankful for quiet moments. Sometimes life just doesn't have enough of those.

Day 5 (Saturday)
I am thankful for the ability to lay on the couch and watch t.v. It's helpful when getting over a sinus infection.

Day 6 (Sunday)
I am thankful for time...given to me by others when they could've used the time for themselves....for an extra hour of sleep, too :)

Day 7 (Monday)
I am thankful for freshly brewed coffee...and the ability to have it whenever my heart desires it at work.

Day 8 (Tuesday)
I am thankful for waking up early (when I don't actually have to be up) and knowing that there is still so much of my day left. Although extra sleep might have been nice too.

A blog I wrote back in February and recently stumbled upon...

I've realized recently that getting around to blogging has been low on my to-do list. Winter quarter comes with such fury and passes so quickly, that getting everything I want to get done doesn't always happen. Not that the case is any different for the other quarters, but Winter quarter is shorter...

I tend to prioritize my life and my time by asking myself the question, "what do I need to do now?" This tends t o be a pretty effective question in terms of getting things done. However, I've realized that it is not effective in addressing MY needs. I ask what needs to get done? And I get done what needs to get done, often at the expensive of my sanity or desires. I've accepted that this is where I am at in my life. At least for a long time, I've felt that this was the most effective way to get things accomplished. And if accomplishment is all I'm after, then I'm definitely on the right track. But recently, I've started to look at things differently. This change in perspective has been slow...very slow in coming. I feel that since living in Nashville my life has been based on "SURVIVAL." The traits of just surviving don't fade so quickly. Dash and I tend to have this conversation often. Him saying that I don't have to just survive anymore, and me responding with I just don't know how NOT to survive anymore. There are so many things that I'd love to do right now. I'd love to work harder in school and make better grades, I'd love to lose some weight, I'd love to have more time for friends. But I've chosen to be a working student. I spend more hours in a week working than I do in school. Sure, there are ways that I could skirt around this whole working thing, but none of them make sense for me or for my family. Because let's face it, unless you're over 24, married, or loaded with money, a kid going to college is really a family ordeal. In this society, we try to downplay the role that the family plays in a kid going off to college. But the system is definitely not set up that way.

I feel that I spend so much of time just going that stopping feels wrong. But recently I've realized that I'm tired. Running this race through college is exhausting. I wouldn't have it any other way, mind you, but it's hard. And I refuse to be a 6 year undergraduate student. Because let's face it, being in college for that long, living in Bellingham is just not going to work for me. Bellingham and I have had a wonderful 3.5 years together, but after college, there's not going to be much left for me here. And realistically in Psychology you have to have more than a BA, so if I'm going to be in school for that long, I'd like to have more than just a BA to show for it.

Anyways, back to my point. I've somehow changed the question that I ask myself now...And honestly, I can't tell you how it changed, just that it did. So the question that I've now started asking..."Can I live with this not getting done?"

Giving Thanks (Day 1 and 2)

I've been seeing more and more posts lately about giving thanks. And another blogger I read is doing a daily thankful for thing...I think that sounds like a great idea! So, I'm jumping on...a day late.

Day 1
I'm thankful for Dash, who is a HUGE help to me daily. Even when he has about a billion other things he needs to be doing.

Day 2
I'm thankful that today I got to make cupcakes at work with a three and a half year old. Even though green sprinkles went everywhere...it was still pretty great :)

Whales!!!

Earlier this month, Dash and I went Whale Watching near the San Juan Islands. It was a long day on the boat, but it was so much fun!! We had a great time being together and being forced to spend a day doing nothing but going along for the ride.

Hallelujah

This is my final week working at the Bellingham Y. It's been a good, challenging, crazy, odd, and growing three years. I've learned SO much, and at the age of twenty-two, I have experience and skills that I couldn't have really gotten elsewhere. So...how do you say goodbye to a place that's been such a part of your life? I had a co-worker ask me at the beginning of this week if I was super sad. And honestly, I'm not that sad...I've lived through enough transitions that I know when it's time. And it's time. I feel it in my bones.

Today, we were doing some cleaning of the site. Before we took the piano back to the office, two of our girls gave us a "concert" singing Hallelujah. It was great and silly and full of meaning for me. And let me tell you...I felt tears threaten...

What my heart hurts for are these kiddos. I have worked with so, so many families over the years. I've watched as they've grown. I've seen families at their weakest, most vulnerable moments. And I've heard stories. Many, many stories. Things that I didn't need to know, but things they told me anyways.

Working for the Y has not always been easy. It's been gut-wrenching and hard and frustrating. But I stayed because, when you put the bullshit aside, this is more than JUST a job. I will carry things and people and experience and laughter and heartbreak and stories and so much life with me when I go. I will always remember this time. And I'll know that I did more. I haven't always felt that I've done more than just care for kiddos. But I have. I may never know what more I did for and with these kiddos. And they'll probably never know the more they did for me either. I'm not the same person I was when I started this job. And hopefully these kiddos and families I've worked with have changed too. And maybe, just maybe, I'll see some of them again.

I am blessed beyond measure and words. Hallelujah indeed.

"Jess, we live in Bellingham."

Yesterday, I had a presentation at school. So in an effort to look "professional" and ready for my presentation, I wore heels. In general, I abhor wearing heels to campus. Western's campus is full of bricks and just weird grooves, so it's not flat when you walk.

I didn't count on having to walk the entire distance of the C-lot when I parked. So it was annoying walking through the gravel lot full of rocks and dust.

When I got to campus, I went to the computer lab to print off a few things for my presentation. There I saw my friend, Emily. After commenting on my cute shoes, I went into my spiel about not counting on having to walk through the C-lot. Her response?

"Jess, we live in Bellingham...not Nashville...not Phoenix...not Reno...Bellingham."

Which totally made me laugh. 

Passion

I have been on the mailing list for The Henri Nouwen Society for many years now. So long that most days I don't read them. I just delete them from my inbox. I think they cycle through them, and I choose not to always read them. But I've chosen to read the Lent emails. Some days I think that I hide from my "religion," and it's always around big events that part of my aches for it again. I think I hide from my "religion" because I feel that I have been crazy hurt by it. I have my faith and my belief, but it's hard to embrace my "religion." Especially, when I left Nashville so broken, and moved to Bellingham where religion is SO polarized. My faith is an integral part of me, but my "religion" doesn't define me. It sounds weird, I know. But it's true. I love my faith, but my "religion" (i.e. most of the church, the people who are VERY christian, and those who think if it doesn't have the label Biblical or Christian in front of it, then it's not worthy) frustrates me. And most days, it's just easier not to deal with it. I'm not sure that I'm ready to embrace it yet.

Today, an adorable older couple came to my door and brought a pamphlet for their Easter meeting. They were Jehovah's Witnesses, and for the first time since I've moved to Bellingham, a religious group that has come-a-knocking wasn't pushy or frustrating. We need more of those people. 

I think part of me has always wanted not to "label" myself as religious or Christian because you miss opportunities. Growing up, I was so proud to be a Pastor's Kid, but I didn't like how many negative reactions people gave to me. Just knowing I was a PK often pushed people away from me. I think most of them were afraid that I'd pass judgment on them, so they wanted to pass judgment on me first before I could hurt them. Which, I MORE than get. 

I'm currently in a Social Psychology Seminar where we're talking about the Jury System in the U.S. In talking about juries, we talk about a lot of biases and prejudices. Sometimes I walk away feeling frustrated with the class, even though I love it, because some of my classmates are so quick to make snap, harsh judgments. We often talk in terms of absolutes, and it bothers me. But, I walked away from class last week, feeling angry about absolutes, when I realized that there are some people that I still think of in absolutes. It's hard to let go of. It's hard not to attach a curse word to some individuals from Nashville. I've gotten better. Much better. And most days, I don't even think about Nashville. The farther away I get from it, and the more settled I become in WA, the more a part of me it feels. The less it feels like it's still influencing me. The less hurt I feel when I think about it. 

So many things in my life are changing...I'll be graduating in December and moved out of Bellingham at the end of Summer. I'll be moving onto a new job. I'm finding viable grad school options. Dash is starting Law School. This chapter of my life is ending. Which I'm very ready for. Things are going well. Good, even. It's more or less just ending things in Bellingham well, which is more than doable. 

Can it really take several years to feel settled? I feel like some of this settling should have already happened. But I guess college is in and of itself unsettling. It's just a stepping stone. And for me it's been a stepping stone to a new life and one to the rest of my life. 

Today, I opened up the Palm Sunday email from The Henri Nouwen Society. The email started with the word Passion (which is MORE than appropriate, given that we are close the Passion of Christ on Good Friday). This entry "spoke" to me. I've included an excerpt here...because, well, it just felt appropriate. The underlined, italicized, and bolded line is the one that really spoke to me. 

Happy Palm Sunday world...

"In a way, his agony is not simply the agony of approaching death. It is also the agony of being out of control and of having to wait. It is the agony of a God who depends on us to decide how to live out the divine presence among us. It is the agony of the God who, in a very mysterious way, allows us to decide how God will be God. Here we glimpse the mystery of God's incarnation. God became human not only to act among us but also to be the recipient of our responses." Henri Nouwen