Emotional

I'm currently sitting on the floor of my new bedroom in my new apartment, and all I feel is overwhelmed. There are papers and pictures and memories invading my space. I'd like them to go away...but I'm the ONLY one who can make that happen. My already exhausted body and mind feels so heavy just looking around. To my left, there's a picture of my dad and I at a sock hop from back when I was probably 8. There are these things that are representations of my life. These things represent many memories that I've pushed aside. I back burner them and move on with my life. I haven't really written a journal entry or read for deep reflection because frankly, I don't want to explore my head right now. It's been a long few months. Maybe even years.

I have a lot of questions. And I'm not sure where to start. I know that I have value as a person. The reality is that I just don't want to have to really live the hard things I've seen lately. It's hard to describe the impact working daily with the same young children that come from seriously fucked up families has on one. Most days I feel like I'm parenting these kids, not just hanging out with them while their parents do whatever. I know that I have to work on distancing myself from some of these situations. I have to set boundaries. But I also have to care, too. Because that's just who I am. I care. I care what happens to these kids when they go home. I care about what they see. And I want to make a difference.

I've started a new chapter in my life. I've waited for this start for so long. I'm still feeling really emotional about the fact that it's finally come to fruition. I feel humbled that I've been able to accomplish. But, to some degree, I feel pressure about how much more I should accomplish. Part of my head is going "now that you've accomplished this, what are you going to do now??" And I want to tell it to shut up, but I'm not going to. Yes, I want a moment to breathe. I want it more than most anything else right now. But really more than that I want to be a person who reaches a pinnacle and keeps climbing. I don't want to just stop. I don't think that I really even could. I don't know what the final landing would be, but all I know is that I want to keep going until I can't. I know that I need to take care of myself, but I want to be someone who just keeps going. I want to be someone that doesn't settle. I want to finish a project and say "okay, what's next?" I want people to know they can depend on me. I want to know that I can depend on myself.

And I want to be better to the people in my life. I want them to feel valued, even though sometimes I don't treat them as such.