Life Less Ordinary

More recently than I'd like to admit, I've been thinking of old places I once called "home." In all honesty, I try not to think about Arizona too much. It often leads to a spiral of frustration that eventually moves me to think about Nashville. Don't get me wrong, though. I have plenty of great memories from Arizona and Nashville. It is because of these places that I am who I am today. And I am damn proud of who I am today. I wouldn't change my experiences or my life for anything. I love where I am now. I have fought an long, uphill battle to get here.

Recently, I have wanted to get out and go swimming. Not swimming indoors, mind you. But swimming outside. The ridiculous thing about Washington, though, is that swimming outdoors means swimming in a lake, which are often infested with leeches and gross things. I'd love to go swimming in an outdoor pool, but they are seriously lacking around here.

All that to say, makes me think of my pool in Arizona. How I would love to get out and go swimming in the pool after a long day of work. Thus begins the spiral of frustration.

I am human, and I sometimes feel anger towards some of the friends I have around me. I know that everyone has their own baggage and fights in life, but it's hard for me to be around people who appear to take so many things for granted. It gets to the point sometimes where I just feel dismissive of them, but more than that I want to shake them and say what the hell are you thinking?!! You have so much. I grow tired of their complaints.

...More than anything, though, I think I just feel like a part of me has missed out. It sounds so self-fish and ridiculous to say. Now, I know that feelings are just that. Feelings. I KNOW it's not true. But sometimes I just need to say it. I think I've been suppressing this feeling for a while, and right now I feel as though I just need to sit with it awhile. I want to stare this feeling in the face, acknowledge it, and then let it go. Because I haven't done a very good job of letting it go.

The crazy thing is though that I couldn't have asked or ever dreamed of where my life took me. I love my life. I feel more than confident that my experiences have made me a better person, more sympathetic, more aware of what a life less ordinary looks and feels like, more genuine, more challenged, more grateful, more restless with the status quo, more desirable of something better, more patient when it counts, and more willing to do the less fun things in order to get something greater. These experiences will help me change how the world views Autism.

I was recently asked what my dream for my life was. Well, I want to change how the world views Autism. The person summed it up as, so you want to impact kids. Well yes. And no. I don't want to just impact kids. I want to do so much more than that. I want to help people, cause well we're all people, and we all need some understanding, some love, and some others in our lives who KNOW us and PUSH us to be better.

It's funny to me that this post has turned into a reaffirmation of where I'm at in my life. After my graduation from high school, my two best friends and I went to get tattoos together. Mine is the greek word for hope. If you look close enough at it, you'll see that there are some imperfections in the ink. It'd be easy enough to get it fixed, so it looks better. I told my mom a long time ago that I didn't want to get it fixed because I want to be reminded of how imperfect hope is, how flawed I am, and of my journey towards hope. Hope is a hard choice. Sometimes I forget to hope in certain moments, but everyday, hope is a choice. It is real, but it hurts like hell. I've just come to realize that the pain from hope is a lot more healing than you'd think. Sometimes, I still feel like I have a "hole" in my heart, but it's not as big as it once was. The hole reminds me of so many things, and I like that I have it as a reminder. I feel like it gets smaller as my world expands, but I don't think it'll ever run out of half-lives. And for that I am grateful, because I don't ever want to forget. I just need to tell myself to move on and not look too long. Sometimes just knowing it's there is enough.

And now...to relax into some peace before another work week begins. Today, that's totally enough :)