I have been on the mailing list for The Henri Nouwen Society for many years now. So long that most days I don't read them. I just delete them from my inbox. I think they cycle through them, and I choose not to always read them. But I've chosen to read the Lent emails. Some days I think that I hide from my "religion," and it's always around big events that part of my aches for it again. I think I hide from my "religion" because I feel that I have been crazy hurt by it. I have my faith and my belief, but it's hard to embrace my "religion." Especially, when I left Nashville so broken, and moved to Bellingham where religion is SO polarized. My faith is an integral part of me, but my "religion" doesn't define me. It sounds weird, I know. But it's true. I love my faith, but my "religion" (i.e. most of the church, the people who are VERY christian, and those who think if it doesn't have the label Biblical or Christian in front of it, then it's not worthy) frustrates me. And most days, it's just easier not to deal with it. I'm not sure that I'm ready to embrace it yet.
Today, an adorable older couple came to my door and brought a pamphlet for their Easter meeting. They were Jehovah's Witnesses, and for the first time since I've moved to Bellingham, a religious group that has come-a-knocking wasn't pushy or frustrating. We need more of those people.
I think part of me has always wanted not to "label" myself as religious or Christian because you miss opportunities. Growing up, I was so proud to be a Pastor's Kid, but I didn't like how many negative reactions people gave to me. Just knowing I was a PK often pushed people away from me. I think most of them were afraid that I'd pass judgment on them, so they wanted to pass judgment on me first before I could hurt them. Which, I MORE than get.
I'm currently in a Social Psychology Seminar where we're talking about the Jury System in the U.S. In talking about juries, we talk about a lot of biases and prejudices. Sometimes I walk away feeling frustrated with the class, even though I love it, because some of my classmates are so quick to make snap, harsh judgments. We often talk in terms of absolutes, and it bothers me. But, I walked away from class last week, feeling angry about absolutes, when I realized that there are some people that I still think of in absolutes. It's hard to let go of. It's hard not to attach a curse word to some individuals from Nashville. I've gotten better. Much better. And most days, I don't even think about Nashville. The farther away I get from it, and the more settled I become in WA, the more a part of me it feels. The less it feels like it's still influencing me. The less hurt I feel when I think about it.
So many things in my life are changing...I'll be graduating in December and moved out of Bellingham at the end of Summer. I'll be moving onto a new job. I'm finding viable grad school options. Dash is starting Law School. This chapter of my life is ending. Which I'm very ready for. Things are going well. Good, even. It's more or less just ending things in Bellingham well, which is more than doable.
Can it really take several years to feel settled? I feel like some of this settling should have already happened. But I guess college is in and of itself unsettling. It's just a stepping stone. And for me it's been a stepping stone to a new life and one to the rest of my life.
Today, I opened up the Palm Sunday email from The Henri Nouwen Society. The email started with the word Passion (which is MORE than appropriate, given that we are close the Passion of Christ on Good Friday). This entry "spoke" to me. I've included an excerpt here...because, well, it just felt appropriate. The underlined, italicized, and bolded line is the one that really spoke to me.
Happy Palm Sunday world...
1 comment:
You've got some very deep thoughts going on there doll! Good processing though. Praying for you as you wade through all the transitions and views and prejudices. Great insight from Henri Nouwen too! Love you!
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